Channel 4 Dinosaurs?

THIS looks like the kind of movie which would have kids grinning at the prospect of guts and gore or screaming in fright and ducking behind the sofa.

The 1993 "Official Video of Dinosaurs" features 3D computer graphics and live action of the most fearsome creatures ever to walk the earth.

The Revelation Film Production, which I plucked from the vaults yesterday, was released in partnership with the Natural History Museum and billed as "the finest Dinosaur video for 65 million years."

Viewers could step back in time to walk alongside T-Rex and co by popping on a pair of futuristic shades with cardboard frames and red and blue filters.

So imagine my surprise to discover Channel 4 3D Week - a series of shows offering mind blowing footage never seen on TV thanks to - yep, you guessed it - a pair of 'futuristic' shades with cardboard frames and red and blue filters - available free from Sainsbury's.

But as I settled down to watch (minus the specs because my local store had run out) de ja vu struck as I remembered BBC1 had shot a 3D episode of EastEnders for Children in Need, also in 1993.

Furthermore, as the night wore on "The Queen In 3D" programme revealed the first ever film of this kind was "The Royal Review" shot at the 1953 Coronation and intended for cinema viewing.

Yet despite a 56 year history, techno dweebs are drooling at the prospect of Sky's high definition 3D system, previewed at August's Edinburgh Festival 2009, which hits customers' screens next year - if they own an HD box or compatible TV.

So why, after more than half a century and the invention of the cassette tape, compact disk, internet and, er - the Tamagotchi - is 3D vision being hailed as a brave new world of entertainment? If it was that groundbreaking the first time, surely it should be part of everyday life by now - or like a couple of examples listed above - old fashioned and rendered obsolete?

Admittedly I didn't have the specs, but I've heard from friends the Channel 4 shows were disorientating and nauseating - tacky at best. 3D TV sounds like a good idea, but really, the only thing it has going for it is novelty, which wears off, until everyone forgets and you can bring it back again in a roaring fanfare.

"The Royal Review" was never seen and left to gather dust in a British Film Institute stock room, despite showing colour footage of one the 20th Century's most magnificent celebrations.

The flagship EastEnders episode attracted 13 million viewers, but despite 16 years of punch-ups in the Queen Vic, no fan has ever recalled cowering behind a cushion as a projected pint glass flies out of the screen and across their living room - unless someone has spiked their TV dinner.

Meanwhile "The Official Video of Dinosaurs"? Sure it sounds cool - but if I can't remember watching it and the glasses are lost it can't have been that hard hitting. But of course, I'm running out of time to find out as VHS is almost obsolete - just like T-Rex.

Short Circuit

IT has been a while - 2009 has been a lean year for Aries the Dreamer - but with a flick of the switch it's back to business.

This is the first post in 11 months - a poor show - but there's been cutbacks. Less time for sleeping, eating, socialising, and writing. An erosion of creativity, inspiration, focus and sanity.

An accelerating cycle of work, work and more work, as the big hand sweeps across the clock's spinning circular surface like a ticking time bomb or a gilt edged guillotine.

There's been sleepless nights, scant leftovers, microwaves and takeaways, plus flaky friendships, frayed edges and time at the bar. The days, weeks and months have flown by.

But, as if submerging from a heavy hibernation, battling swollen lids, pounding temples, tired muscles and stuffy sinuses - I am back on back on track.

Leaner is meaner, and in these challenging times Aries is breaking it down, mixing it up and packaging it into byte-sized pieces - short, sharp and to the point.

With a striking new look less is more and more is less.

So let's get to dreaming...

A Brave New World

SOMETHING spooky is happening in TV world, as news channels churn out credit crunching headlines, drama shows depict social breakdown and the end of the world as we know it.

Spurred on by dystopian movies such as Children of Men and 28 Days Later, apocalyptic programme makers have jumped on the bandwagon to offer a glimpse of humanity’s bleak future.

If the story-lines of two recent television series are anything to go by, it won’t be pretty, and judging at these poor attempts at recreating hard hitting films as budget drama series – you might want to end it now to avoid the day after tomorrow.

Surviors - BBC1 - (The Drama Strain)

Britain’s population perishes after a mystery virus ravages the globe, leaving only a group of amateur actors and a wine drinking naturist.

The group, featuring Abby Grant, a middle-aged mother in search of her son Peter, and strong silent type Greg Preston aka: Jonson from Peepshow, face a world without electricity, clean running water or law and order.

The pair, who form an unlikely extended family, hole up in a country cottage and battle for food and supplies with a bunch of grotty pikies led by ‘dangerous’ Dexter a snarling pantomime villain slinging a shotgun.

Meanwhile, a Government minister, with the charisma of Alistair Darling on Valium, has set up an isolated bunker community, acting as a kibbutz where everyone has a part to play and trespassers will be prosecuted.

Likely Outcome: Faced in the nightmare situation of a never ending sitcom - the virus turns on itself.

Dead Set – Channel 4 - (Dawn of the Dunces)

Reality television contestants leave the Big Brother house to discover a terrible wasteland patrolled by bloodthirsty zombies.

“Does this mean we aren’t on TV anymore?” asks a dumb blonde as she watches mindless creatures chomping on the carcasses of their compatriots.

Whilst several house mates argue with a cross dressing Asian pretty-boy about whether or not to move an overweight woman who is “in shock”, three others leg it to a supermarket where they are confronted by two police men with the mental age of a couple of four year old boys.

Meanwhile, the show’s producer, who is trapped in an office, gobbles finger food, guzzles champagne and pisses in the corner, before collapsing on the floor in drunken stupor.

Likely Outcome: The zombies couldn’t possibly last 28 days because they’d run out of brains to feed on.

"Hallelujah" for Saturday night TV?

FORGET the G&T, make a cup of tea, swap your Carlsberg for a cardigan, party choons make party goons, don't be a Red Bull glutton, just push that red button.

Yes, staying in is the new going out and with temperatures plummeting and the credit crunch tightening its jaws Saturday night television is booming.

A few months ago I would have rather walked over hot coles (I mean coals) but due to lack of money, lack of energy and general winter blues I popped over to a friend's house to settle down with a stack of blankets,a glass of red wine and a mammoth cheese platter to watch ITV's X-Factor final.

The show, which was avidly watched by more than 13.2m viewers, climaxed in an epic duel between London-based boy-band JLS and 20-year-old crooner Alexandra Burke from Islingston.

Both acts performed covers of the Leonard Cohen's single "Hallelujah", a classic, heart rending tune, also imortalised by the revered folk singer Jeff Buckley. Alexandra was victorious.

But although I got home relatively sober without having to pay through the nose for over priced drinks, costly cabs and crap Chinese takeaways, I still felt as if I'd been ripped off...

Ripped off! Well imagine how poor old Leonard felt? I'm sure the American idol (no pun intended) would have felt shocked that he spent hours slaving over tear jerking chords and deep religious lyrics, only to hear his work belted out by an emotionally incontinent R'n'B diva all these years later.

To be fair, Burke has a great voice, and judging on the success of the Buckley version, covers aren't always a no-no. But if the judges and programmers knew anything remotely about music they would have steered clear of using such an iconic track to round off a tacky talent show.


Here's a couple of comparisons:

- If Alexandra Burke's cover of "Hallelujah was a film, it would never have been released in the UK.

- If Alexandra Burke's cover of "Hallelujah" was a video game, middle class parents would be lobbying for it to be banned - screaming that it would ruin the lives of their already retarded children.

- If "Hallelujah" was a third-world country and Alexandra Burke was a crack-pot dictator, the free world would be calling for pre-emptive air-strikes and mobilising tanks on the borders at dawn.

Lay off 'Ebooe'

FOOTBALL fans are becoming as misguided as the over-paid players they idolise - or not in the case of Emmanuel Eboue.

Arsenal FC supporters unsportingly heckled and booed the defender after he made a catalogue of errors in their 1-0 win against Wigan Athletic last Saturday.

In the game’s final frantic minutes, the 25-year-old, who had come on as a substitute for injured winger Samir Nasri, foolishly blocked his own player, gifting his northern opponents a glorious chance to equalise.

As a barrage of abuse rang out from the 60,000-seater Emirates Stadium, manager Arsene Wenger hauled Eboue off the field to be replaced by Michael Silvestre.

Those fans should hang their heads in shame although Arsenal have been crap this season, booing your team is disgraceful –especially when they are leading (for a change).

Yet it seems to be coming all too common these days, as the spiralling costs of tickets, wages and transfers leads to a clamour for success. In the 1980s, footie fanatics were notorious for sinking pints of lager, bellowing abuse, and punching people in the face. But at least they backed their own teams.


Ok, players who are paid sky high wages and fail to perform should expect stick, but at the end of the day, it’s just a game, and games are all about sportsmanship and camaraderie.

After the match, Wenger had said of the right-back (yes right-back Arsene), who had just returned from a six week injury: “He has to come off as he had lost a lot of confidence - he would have been even more unhappy had he stayed on, given the ball away and cost us a goal."

Well, let’s talk about “confidence” shall we? Eboue came out of nowhere in 2006, a flying wing-back renown for speed, stamina and tough tackling.

True, he’s a fine athlete but his passing is not great, he can’t cross for shit and his shooting is erratic - hence he's only scored one measly Premiership goal.

Why then does Wenger insist on playing him on the wing, or in the centre of the park? How “confident” is anyone going to be if they are placed in a position which exposes their weaknesses rather than their strengths?

Eboue is an unfair scapegoat. The team need an effective midfielder. Maybe his boss should think about hiring reinforcements, before he himself is booed from the stands – although I would find that deplorable.

Great Scott!

ALISTAIR Darling took Britain ‘Back to the Future’ when he promised to kick-start the country’s ailing economy.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer announced plans for a £20bn rescue package in his Pre-budget report last Monday in the wake of the global financial crisis.

Yet Doc Darling and the Treasury Office, featuring Michael J Fox look-a-like Yvette Cooper, are taking a huge gamble in their bid to spend their way out of recession.

The deal, which is more akin to strategies of 1970s socialist governments rather than New Labour economics, includes slashing VAT from 17.5% to 15%, and bringing forward £3bn of public construction projects.

Yet it all rests on the optimistic assumption the economy will pick up by 2011, just in time for a 0.5% rise in national insurance and a hike in taxes to replenish the kitty.

But what if the recession continues? Higher unemployment means more benefits payouts and the hidden tax bombshell is hardly an incentive to get back to work. Let’s not forget that year upon year the aging population puts a greater strain on public services, something politicians need to budget for.

Part of the reason we're in this mess is because banks offered mortgage deals to people who couldn't actually afford houses, who in turn purchased expensive holidays and oversized 4x4s on cheap credit.

Is it really wise to for the government to follow suit and splash cash it doesn't have?

Whilst Labour deserves respect for their decisiveness and for brightening up the bland political consensus of recent years, there is an uneasy feeling that history may repeat itself.

In 1976, the then Chancellor Denis Healey went cap in hand to the International Monetary Fund (IMF) because Britain’s economy was, well - fucked. Let us pray the current man in charge of the purse-strings, with equally obscure eyebrows does not have to follow in his footsteps...

Say it loud, black and proud!

"THE revolution will not be televised, the revolution is now."
(Gil Scott-Heron: 1970).

TRUE, although I watched it unfold on the small-screen, and am still blissfully glued to it now.

It began on Sunday with the first ever black Formula One world champion, and continued with a landslide victory for the first US African-American President.

Chicago or Sao Paulo, may have been thousands of miles away, but as I scurried around the streets of Reading trying to cut my teeth as a trainee journo, I couldn't help feeling a part of it...

This week was a great moment to be a young black (mixed race) male.
Inspire before you expire: anything is possible...

(To be continued)